For what it's worth.

In the morning, it's hard to get up, and pull all my aching parts out of bed. Hitting snooze isn't even relieving, it's all just kind of a blur. It's harder when the lifelessness is magnified some mornings in you, and you can't see any clear reason for why to get out of bed, or paint yourself a picture of how the day might go.

Then there's the biting sensation, that sends stress signals up and down the spine, through the shoulders and pounding through the head. That sharp cautioning feeling, telling you not to screw the day up, and not to forget the things you need, and above all, not to let yourself down.

This is all through the shower and the hair drying, and the seeming infinity of my phone alarms, though. Then comes the make up though, and that's an entirely different thought chain all together. I grab all the make up that I wonder why other people wear at all, and take it into the bathroom. I try as hard as I can to make it look less like I'm wearing make up and more like I actually do look somewhat clear skinned, but the whole time, I just hope I don't always have to do it. Not that I even have to now, just that I don't want one more thing put on top of the worry load, one more thing to add to any thoughts piling into my mind every second. But then later in the day, when I wash off the make-up, it's like: "Hello, Kristen!" and I don't feel likeI look so bad at all, but mornings, oh sweet jesus. Mornings.

Anyhow. Then dragging through school is hard, because I'm afraid that I won't do my homdwork, and skew my chances of success. I'm afraid I won't go as far as I have the potential for, and I'm afraid of what I've become academically. I mean, I've never done homework, but I used to have outstanding test scores. Now it's like neither. But I've done my homework so far, I just have to keep myself in check. I don't want to end up like my brother. I want to go as far as I want, and not only go as far as I'm able to with only a few pieces of paper. I want the ability to be able to do more, even if I'm happy with something else, even if what I want, isn't some High income job, that makes me have to work 100 hours a week, and keeps me from the family I want to have one day.

Then, I come home, and I'm exhausted. Completely exhausted. I realize, I haven't eaten one thing all day, and I'm not hungry anyway. And all I have the motivation for, is lying down to sleep. which is not a comforting though for me, I hate being still. That's like accepting to die without a fight (in a non-courageous harry potter way).

But for what it's worth, I think I've got this down.
I can be me again, which is nice, I can be happy again, and not have so many thoughts like this
It's not hard, that's not even an always kind of thing.
I would rather be happy, and I would rather have fun.

and I can do that.

I know I can.

So yeah.