Where did you go?

when did I become so busy?

and when did it become so damn important to have a job that keeps me from being able to do things with people on fridays and weekends and most nights in general.

uhg.
I feel so disconnected, and yet, I'm still fine. oh well. it happens.

If i were being honest with myself...

I'd say I met my soul mate last night. and I don't know how to feel about it.

Men and Sex.

I just sat down, wondering if I was wrong in the ways I do things, and searched "how to make a man feel 'special' " or something along those lines, and read this entire forum.
The topic was: "How do I connect intimately with a man without having sex?" with a little more detail about, making him feel special and needed and so on even without having to sex him up.

98.675% of the responses were guys saying things like:
"Guys aren't girls...blowjobs... what do you mean no sex...blahblah play with his balls blah blah..."
...

Not that it's entirely untrue that those things don't make a guy feel special... but I've always thought that I could connect with guys ever so slightly more emotional than that.
and I know I can

although I will admit that I was laughing pretty consistently at all the blowjob and horny guy answers. The chick that had made the post was pretty much getting reamed by all the guys that do honestly think women are only good for: sex, dishes, meals, and can get the fuck out when peace, quiet, and sports are needed. (go for the musicians. HAH.)


Silly, and disgusting. Like so many things in life.
and 100% sad that it was this evenings full entertainment.

i believe in a thing called love...

but I'm afraid of it.
It's beautiful...
but, what do you do?

I'm in a hurry to get things done.

"I'm in a hurry to get things done, oh I rush and rush until life's no fun. All I've really gotta do is live and die, but I'm in a hurry and don't know why..."

Sometimes that's how I feel. I start my morning as slow as I possibly can because I know the minute I walk out the door I'm going to feel rushed by everything. For no particular reason, other than the fact that I'm probably a total nut. I speed to class, even though I know I'm going to be there early regardless. In class I want the teacher to talk as fast as I can take notes so that there's no worry that I will be late to my next class, which I won't be anyways. I speed to work, even though I leave heaps earlier than I really need to to get there on time. I even walk fast (which always gets pointed out to me) when I have absolutely nothing to do or anything to be walking to. That however is from when I was kid and it was hard for me to keep up with my dad whilst walking at a normal pace, so I adapted... it's either irrelevant or hereditary.

Ironically though, when I go running, even though I'm running and I'm moving fast, I don't feel at all like I'm in a hurry. I can take a cool down, and be happy about it, I can stop and stretch and relax... and I think that's why I like it so much.

I got off work tonight right on time, and even though I knew I was going to get up early, I wanted to be tired for bed. In a good way though, I wanted to feel good, so I could sleep good, and so I went for a run. Since most of my running clothes are black (no one wants sweat to show!) I also leashed up the dog because her collar is amazingly reflective... plus dogs are good late night rape prevention.
I ran for a good, well deserved, and amazingly satisfying hour and a half. Then I came home, had some water, did sit ups, did stretches, did push ups... and now I'm here just because I feel so good about it.

Plus, I also feel super accomplished today because I found about 6 awesome alternatives to butter and margarine that are both good and good for you to use on my new diet. I feel confident about it :]
and I'm already planning on making this amazing vegetable stir fry next week. White wine style. aandd tasty.

Well this one ends like usual, I hardly remember what the F I'm talking about.
oh well
smile!

...

So I thought it would be fine to miss my Thursday classes last week in the name of golf balls, which is no biggie. But then this Tuesday, which is the day for the same classes, I made it to the first class and then got called in and missed my Mexican American history class again... which is my favorite class, but still no big deal it's two days and I'm a good student. So I get to that class today, and I'm not too too worried... until he hands us a test. Awesome. Still though, I know the material and I'm good at tests. Here's the part that got me: I've been excited for the ENTIRE semester to get to talk about the pachucos and the zoot suit riots... and I missed it.

ah well it happens.

Otherwise I'm actually very happy :]
it's good.

sandy evenings.

I was on the beach very late last night. it was both awesome, and unnecessarily sandy (as usual)

and I thoroughly enjoyed it, the weather was amazing.

It's the little things :]

I have to say, I miss being a kid.
I remember when I asked people to come play street hockey, or soccer, or even just run around and do pointless nothings outside, they actually wanted to.
Now, they just complain or come up with some excuse why it'd be better to watch a movie (don't get me wrong, I love movies, but I'm also super active.) or sit and watch t.v. ... I almost hit someone.
All in all though, I look pretty silly playing catch with myself in the park. I'm okay with that though!

Anyways, I've walked a lot this week. Lost a LOT of weight... and I'm pretty friggen happy.
Tonight though, I finally had corned beef and cabbage for the first time in 4 years. Amazing, because my aunt Stephanie makes the most amazing corned beef and cabbage... s'good!

So.
I'm happy, and content, and I like it.

Te Quieres Taco Bell?

I cannot believe that I am watching "The Cougar" uhg. I mean not by choice, I was just shocked it was on TV land... it's not classy and old like the TV land I want to see. It's annoying, superficial, and pretty 100% ridiculous. 20 guys from 21 to 28 years old, chasing after a possibly 50 year old lady that's 80% plastic. But hey, she's hot. Never mind the fact that she can hardly make facial expressions and doesn't seem interested in any of the boys in the slightest. I guess that's interesting to people.
Now I'm watching George Lopez, much better.

Last night, I walked to taco bell to get food. It was about 9 or so when I got there, and they were closing up a little bit, but I was still able to get food. I tied my cousins dog up outside and these girls kinda scoffed at me. They were about 16 or 17 and pretty, so I figured they were just genuinely bitches I and went on my way to purchase some simple happiness. As my order was being taken, these same two chicks walk straight up to the counter clearly as if they were ready to show me how bad ass they are. The taller girl immediately looks at the guy taking my order and goes "Why is she talking to you?" which I respond to with a look like any normal person would respond with when simply taking an order from someone after having nothing to eat all day. (She was actually referring to the guy's recent ex girlfriend that apparently saw the girls standing outside the building and proceeded to send him 37 text messages in about 45 minutes.) I had been too tired to even pretend like the comment was worth anything to me, allowing me to hear the rest of their conversation.
Still though, these girls were pretending to be soo incredibly bad ass, and I had no idea why, because they weren't anything special. She leaned over the counter again, "Hey. I don't have any money for food, I texted you... bean and cheese burrito with sour cream." to which the guy responded with, "Oh, got it!" and a smile. I picked up that she worked there, with all of her I'm-so-cool-for-knowing what's going on right now comments... I almost burst into laughter because of how the day had gone, and how hilarious I thought it was that some chick was nearly bragging her knowledge of taco bell.
Don't get me wrong, a job is a job, fast food, corporation, or anything, it's income. But Working at Taco Bell does NOT make you cool. You are either cool, or not, and taco bell has nothing to do with it. Silly girls.

It was funny at the time anyways.

Today was interesting I guess. I worked and didn't go to class...
Now
I'm not one to do homework, but that's because I always make it to class and I always know what's going on... and today I feel weird, because I'm not sure if I was assigned homework not to do!
It'll be okay though.

I found out though, a few awkward unhealthy things about me:
1. I have healthy iron levels in my blood: but they've been dropping significantly due to lack of sleep and stress, and will continue to plummet a terrifying degree if I don't relax.

2. If I'm on my feet for too long, the muscles that help my foot keep structure and balance basically crap out and send sore pangs through my whole feet. (this ties into not relaxing and sleep deprivation I guess?)

Ironically, the doctor thinks I'm pretty much super human.
I killed him on the spot, so he wouldn't tell anyone.

Also,
I didn't get a chance to eat today... I have fever of 100.8
and so
I will now commence a well deserved mastication of taco bell food. Happily.
I've lost like 12 pounds, shit.

and these words are nothing without honesty.

I need to get how I'm feeling off of my chest, but for some reason there's just this mass of words in my brain that I've been needing to sort, and three days later I'm finally able to get them out into blog form.

I'm not necessarily lonely or unhappy, in fact I'm doing just fine lately. I think I just get tinges of loneliness because I have this longing to feel some connection with someone. I think that's why I'm okay with being "alone", I mean it's really not worth anything to me to be talking to some boy who's not interesting in any way, just because they are interested in me. Not to be mean, and not that I'm the particularly picky type but I hate it when people don't know who they are (and always change their interests according to who they're around) and when people do not understand sarcasm. I'm very sarcastic, and it's very dry sarcasm, it's nothing to cry over.
I feel like it's some emotional abyss or crossroads, but I'm not so much worried over it, as I want to understand it.

This is, however, a place to be that isn't really turned up when everyone around me is soo in love. I mean, I'm happy for you and I'm sure it's some great thing... but if I'm not asking, why are you telling me? No offense. I'm sure it's because it's spring time and this twitterpated nonsense will blow over soon.

On that same note, I don't want anyone unhappy. That'd be a. fucked and b. also something that wouldn't help. It'd be superfantastic if people I give any care about were happy all the time.

Just because I'm a Jaded Fuck (thank you Lewis Black) doesn't mean I hate everything just... most things.

[kidding]

A few pluses though: I'm finally confident, a million times more than I used to be. I'm not into myself or anything, I'm just FINALLY confident. It's nice :] Also, working on my summer goal to feel okay in a two piece swim suit... fingers crossed.

........
I'll post again really soon
but the blog's about to go down for maintainence.

Dusting.

I find some of the posts I used to put on here absolutely hilarious.
Some days I completely forget what an idiot I was, and yet I won't delete them. They show me how I've grown lately.
I'm a new person, a confident person. A little bit too independent sometimes, I suppose, but it's okay with me.
Now I'm back (from outer space?) because A. I do enjoy blogging and B. Karla is the master of blogging and makes me want to do it again.

hopefully I update more often, considering that going on myspace for me has become exactly:
-Log-in
-See if I have new anything
-close window

And let me tell you... It's not even as exciting as it sounds! and since it sounds terrible in the first place, there you go.
Don't get me wrong, I very much enjoy keeping in touch with people... but I have a phone, and I'm not really that hard to track down. I'm either: at work, at school, at my pool, or sleeping... that means there's a 75% chance you'll catch me awake, which gives you an 80% chance of getting a reply from me, assuming you're someone I consider worth talking to. Just saying.

Okay, that little comment I make, "just saying." started out as something I used sarcastically, but I think a little bitch side is coming out of me. I don't really think I'm bitter, I think I'm just tired of people. So I follow my honest observational comments about people (when asked to say them) with "Just Saying."
...it's kinda funny, I'll be honest.

I've nearly forgotten how this post started, but I'm fully aware it's going nowhere. So, I'll go to bed. I don't even really know why I'm up in the first place... but it'll be taken care of right now.


ttfn