Here I go again....

It seems interesting to me that the way to make my life feel simplified is to add more things to it. I finally joined a gym again. After 5 months of being back in California and not going to the gym, I will spending my free time making myself feel better.

I don't like it when people talk about how much they go to the gym as if it makes them who they are when they aren't asked or it isn't relevant to any sort of conversation going on. I very honestly go to the gym because I've realized when I don't have something active to do I hate myself more than normal. This should be a good step for me, because it will keep me out of trouble and keep from doing things I regret.

I'm applying for more jobs again, because mine makes me unhappy. I actually like the job in itself, but the upper management is incompitent and sucks any worth out of what could be something fantastic. I've been really bitter about this particular issue for a month or two now - but I think it's time to just let it go and go on with the job until I can find something better. I'm okay with that.


I'm still trying to fight the depression that sneaks up on me when I'm sleeping, or when I'm alone on my days off. For a while I tried to pretend it was lonliness, but since I've been repeatedly unable to interest myself with any boys (not men, of course) that I meet - I've decided to stop giving it a front that isn't true. I'm not lonely.

I know I'm not lonely, because I am loved. My family, my friend, my cat... they all love me. They are all there, through everything that's hard and easy they haven't failed me. I'm thankful for this and I'm happy about. I will have everlasting appreciation for everyone in my life just for making it this far, even if they choose not to go any further.

I think the real issue is that I'm not happy with myself. I feel that I am nowhere near where I should be at this point in my life. I feel like I have all this unused potential and no way to let it be used. I don't want to sit around and wait for someone to discover that, when I already know it about myself. So, I have to go back to school. But who has money for school? ... not me, that's definitely true. But we'll see what happens, if I enroll my bank will give me a credit card, and I can use that credit card to take a couple classes here and there.

Another thing I've been considering since I'm not happy with myself is the Military. I was thinking for a long time that I didn't want to be deployed... but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to do something new, something that takes me out of my comfort zone... something that puts me in the line of danger.... pfft.

So maybe, I will do that if I don't hear back from the Sheriff's Department... because that's a job I know that I would love. But if I don't get it, I'll make a 4 year commitment to the Marines and then use the GI bill to help me with school.

... maybe.

Anyways. I'm just hoping life can pull me closer to myself so I can just be okay with me.